Snore Snigns

Aries: Snoring so loud and forceful it actually butts into you with its intensity.

Taurus: Peacefully stubborn snoring; don't bother trying to wake them up.

Gemini: They snore until you try to tug at them to get them to stop; then they unconsciously change their mind and stop all by themselves, only to start again as soon as you roll back over.

Cancer: They can't sleep securely without a good snore and will get defensive about it if you try to deal with the fact that it's keeping you up.

Leo: They snore! They roar! And they're damned proud to hear a tape of their snoring which you made to try to evince a bit of sympathy from them. Good luck!

Virgo: Give them the tape you made for Leo; they will have it analysed and find new reasons to worry about their own nocturnal habits.

Libra: Loud yet beautiful, almost artistic snoring. You didn't think Venus could honk like that, did you?

Scorpio: Snoring that bores into your very soul, as you sit there wondering if it will ever cease long enough to let you get some shuteye.

Sagittarius: The snoring gets louder and louder, and when you wake them up they ask how much fun was it to listen, huh, huh?

Capricorn: Businesslike, rock-solid snoring. Snoring futures are traded regularly now at the NYSE; they all belong to Capricorns.

Aquarius: Your reputation as the water bearer is borne out when you drool like a faucet as you snore, making the experience of sleeping with you doubly awful. Welcome to the new age.

Pisces: Rather than give you a broad generalization, I'll tell you about my friend Cris the Pisces: he snores so loud that once, at a campsite, the other campers picked him up, bedroll and all, and carried him 150 yards away and dropped him in a meadow. He awoke, wondering where he was. Ah, the Piscean life is indeed mysterious at times.